Just say it
by beauxfleur
Summary: April and Jackson finally express what they feel. Set during the cliffhanger of 12x08.


April waits. Breathlessly, as she tries to figure out why the man in front of her is so complex. Why he doesn't want to talk about their marriage, but insists on bringing up sex between them.

She wants to remember them. The way they started. In a bed, in love, happy, breathless, and in each others arm. She wants the memory imprinted, so she could replay it when she wished.

And not be unhinged by sparring words or screams of anger. She wants, a solid memory. Because she knows what was going to happen.

She doesn't want to let it happen. Especially since their encounter has left her puking everything she eats. She has the reports in her bag. It wasn't what she ate.

Nothing from Joe's. Her current state has everything to do with Jackson.

She presses her long fingers against her stomach, smoothing her palm over it, while Jackson tries to find his words.

"I-" He cracks out.

"For God's sake, Jackson. God! Just say it!" April screams at him, her face going red.

He keeps looking at her, lips pursed, and usually sharp eyes, blurry and unfocused.

She licks her lips, and inhales.

"You know, why i make decisions for us? Because YOU can't, Jackson. You cannot even begin to fathom how hard it is for me to make these decisions. But i do it- I do it, because you can't. I do it, because if i don't you'll end up resenting me, and i'll end up resenting you, because we both didn't do and achieve the things we wanted to."

His eyes snap back into focus.

"Oh my god. April. Do you even realize what you've done to me? I could never, NEVER, resent you. Because i want you to be happy. But i also want you here. And i wish i was selfish enough to ask you to stay with me, but YOU don't seem happy enough with just me! So i just want to do, what you actually want to do. You don't want me anymore, April. You left me a mess when you went to Jordan. I couldn't BREATHE, knowing that every day, you were this close-"

He pinches his fingers together.

"-to death. Everyday. Danger. I will always want, only you. But i don't think you'll be happy with just me. "

Jackson's mouth twitches, and his eyes snap toward the dull Seattle sky. He shifts from one foot to the other, trying very hard not to let any tears spill, so as not to expose how weak he really is right now.

But she wants him. She only wants him. She doesn't know how to articulate it well enough so he'll believe her. Hell, she can't even explain it to herself, but, she wants him. Needs him like air. But, she's always felt like she didn't deserve him.

"I feel like- i don't deserve how much you love me." She says, feeling pathetic while doing so.

"Like, i can't give you that much love back, because, i feel like, ever since, everything that has happened, you've been my rock and i don't deserve the best. I feel like what we have is perfect, and i don't deserve it. -And i keep running, so i can keep us together, so i can avoid the inevitable. The end. Where you realise i'm not good enough, and you move on. "

She finishes, and licks her lips again. She blinks rapidly, trying to coax even a single emotion out of him.

It starts to get chilly. She silently wonders if it's the weather or the cold shoulder that he's giving her right now. But when he looks back up, there is so much passion, so much anger, and he is anything but cold.

"You don't get to say that you don't deserve me. You don't get to put yourself down, okay? Damn it, April. I would do ANYTHING to keep a smile on your face. I would leave you, even, if that would make you happy. And that's what i've been trying to do. "

He sighs.

"Trying to make it easier. So you have someone to blame. So that you can feel like it's my fault. "

She stares at him him, jaw agape, like he's nuts.

"What is WRONG with you?" April asks, arms flailing, and feet stomping.

"How could you even think for one second that i don't love you? I have been fighting for us, rooting for us, for the longest damn time. "

She blubbers, beginning to cry. All this feels so sad and weak. She hasn't been this emotionally overwhelmed since she got back.

They stand there, faces contorting, trying not to let each other see the pain they've caused one another.

"I love you. April. I love you. And, we may have lost alot, but the fact that i still love you, after everything, proves i'm in for the long run. "

Jackson finally says, running his hand across his face. He waits. And waits. Until a pair of tiny hands encompass his own. She smiles up at him. The smile, he's been waiting to see for the longest time, makes his heart rise and flutter, and clench painfully. Because it fixes the hole he's had in there. Finally.

"We can work through it. ", she says, determined look on her face. Once April Kepner devotes herself to something, she remains devoted. Forever.

"We can work through anything. "

Jackson smiles, hesitantly reaching for her lips. They kiss, slowly, not hastily, and it feels like being home again. She's a new April. But she's still His April. His wife. His companion. His best friend.

They remain in each other's arms, ignoring the slight drizzle that begins to fall.

"I'm pregnant."

And they cry, together, because they love each other, and because, maybe, just maybe, they can have their happy ending.

Fin.

A/N:- Sorry, if this was a little rushed, and a little too sappy, but i just wanted something to satisfy that cliffhanger. I think we all are too excited to wait for February, so this was just a little something to make the Japril shippers(including me) less anxious for a while! Please comment your thoughts!


End file.
